My done and doing list
In light of my recent narcissism I’ve decided to make a pro/con list… about myself. I care almost as little as you, I assure you, but it fills some space. Some will be physical, some psychological, some trade traits, intelligence, and so forth.
Pro
- I like my eyes
- I like my hands. They’re kind of soft but I hardly count that as a bad thing. I’m not a fucking cowboy. They’re still strong and very large.
- I’m very logical. Even if my process doesn’t make sense to some people, my conclusions are always valid and often beyond the capabilities of most people
- I can follow Plato and Socrates. And enjoy it. And contribute. Freaky, I know.
- My hair is extremely thick. The color is nice enough and I have no dandruff, greasiness, etc.
- My elbows aren’t dry. I’m starting to realize how rare that is in guys… and dry elbows are disgusting. And no, before you ask, I’ve never used lotion.
- I pride myself on acting like me, no matter what the situation. I come off as odd to new people, but the ones that filter through like me that much more when they finally come to understand me.
- I built my own computer with absolutely no knowledge of how to do so. Sure it’s just cord A -> slot A nowadays but for 9 years now I’ve been working on hardware issues with absolutely no help and I fucking win every time. I’m proud of that.
- My priorities rock.
- Pragmatism, I think, is one of my strong suits. It makes it so that I have to accept the bad with the good. I recognize my superiority in many cases, but I also am constantly striving to better myself in those areas I am weak. All the areas that I am weak.
- I can focus or broaden my mind whenever it suites me. So while at work I may have to focus on what’s at hand to get the job done, in more leisurely times I can also follow some little thought off on a tangent that will become an extensive philosophy.
- I can do anything I put my mind to. I know that’s so cliche but I’ve proven it’s true for me. Anything in the world I feel I genuinely want to do, I can, and eventually better than anyone.
- I’m good at sports
- I’m good at computer games
- I’m good at card and board games. Seriously, really good at them. Mind you, that may just be me growing up in a Mormon society. Too often these games are based in deceit… and well, that’s not exactly a Mormon speciality.
- I can be completely compassionate or uncaring. Whichever I want, whenever I want. It makes me feel a little inhuman though, being able to turn it on and off.
- There’s probably more, but I don’t want to go into specifics when this post could turn out waaaay too long.
Cons
- I think my head is misshapen. Nobody has ever told me so, but it seems like it to me.
- I can never find any long-term motivation to work out. I’m on my best streak so far but I’ve faded to working out maybe 2-3 days a week instead of the 5 I need to.
- I’m extremely pale. I’ve come to accept that seeing as there’s a history of cancer in my family and I have no desire to tempt fate.
- I do something wrong with girls. I don’t know what. Seriously, I analyze my actions more than you can possibly know and I can’t pinpoint what I apparently do wrong. I no longer see myself as needy, I don’t lack confidence, while I think I can be boring I can’t see that I’m more boring than the next guy. The only conclusion I’m able to reach is that I really am simply setting my attraction standard too high. Maybe I’m overreaching my boundaries. The one thing I’ve never been able to determine is if I’m attractive or not. I just… don’t know. It’s like I’m so familiar with my face that I can’t analyze it. It’s like judging your mom’s physical characteristics. It just doesn’t work.
- I’m awful at math. That seems contradictory to my pro of logic, but that’s just how it is. I think it’s because while I’m logical, I’m not precise. Mathematics are all about getting the exact number, while I often go with “good enough”.
- My voice might be annoying. I’m not sure.
- I waste a lot of time and I slack off. I’m getting better at that but it’s a little sad.
- I am not a douschebag to girls I date. In fact, I could be described at a traditional romantic. Not to the extent that I lack humor but I automatically open doors for women, I would go out of my way to keep them from harm, I give them as much attention to their opinions as I would to anyone else (more, usually). It’s at times like this I remember the line from the film Waiting, “Girls like assholes. Women like confidence.” But then I think, holy shit, at the age of 21, according to that line, everyone around me is still a little girl! When exactly are they supposed to grow the fuck up?
- Wait, crap, that was a pro. Whatever, I’m not moving it.
- I’m living with my parents again. Dammit I’m sad.
- Sometimes I’m an asshole to people. Not on purpose… they simply just expect me to care about their problems and I don’t. I don’t share my problems with anyone else. After all, they’re mine and nobody else is going to fix them. Why burden them with unnecessary stress, and why bother me with theirs?
- I’m often too blunt. Tact is not a foreign concept to me yet as I grow, I find I care less and less about filtering my dialogue.
- I have terrible allergies for about 2 months per year. It pisses me off horribly.
- I’ve never tried alcohol or drugs of any kind. I’m not saying I wish to become like that; simply that it seems like a disappointment that at the age of 21, I haven’t tried. My excuse for it? I haven’t had a reason to yet. Or closer to home, as far as they’re currently available, the con’s outweigh the pros.
- I watch too much TV, too many movies, read too many books and play too many videogames. There, I said it and I won’t ever say it again.
- I’m so damn jaded. Blame the internet. On a related note, go to the encyclopediadramatica and search for “Offended”. Fortunately I’m not that fucked up. The chans are pushing me there though.
- I’m hypocritical, although I wouldn’t call it that. I mean come on… if we both have the same problem, I criticize you for that problem, and you criticize me for being hypocritical because I also have the problem, it doesn’t erase the fact that you’re still a douschebag.
- I argue with my mother a lot. I know she’s intelligent in her own way but I just can’t agree with her on anything and I’m not sure why. What scares me more is that they say you will treat your spouse like you treat your mother… I can find reasons why that wouldn’t be true, particularly in my case, but that psychological analysis could have valid reasoning and I might find it to be true despite myself. When it comes down to it though, I just have to work away from that result and I can beat it.
And again, that’s the point of this list… if I know my shortcomings, I can beat them. Having it written out like this will make it easier to remember and I’m going to go to sleep for my meeting with a school advisor tomorrow, bye.
Dast
I have two friends. One girl and one boy. They have no interaction with eachother and have no knowledge of eachother outside the brief mentions I give of the other while in the presence of one.
David first. David finds joy in little things. Laughing as fart jokes and groin injuries he has no interest in politics or science or any current topic of interest not directly related to guns, cars and naked women. With the exception of myself the company he holds consists of nothing but rednecks, crackwhores and people who haven’t ever quite been able to let go of Metallica. He is the portal to what I should call my “douschebag personality”.
He is who I go with to see action movies, to discuss the waning glory of Jessica Alba and if she’ll consent to nude scenes soon, and whom I consult when my Buick starts going “clunkclunkclunkclunk” whenever I let the wheel drift.
David has always been a good friend and very tolerant of my excessive amount of arrogance and personality quirks but I fear this side of my personality is coming to an end. We simply have no real shared interests. Whenever one of us starts a conversation about something, the other grunts noncommittally and quickly changes the subject to something else where the cycle repeats itself. We now rarely stay around each-other for more than three hours at a time and flimsy excuses to leave are common.
But I cannot abandon one of my two friends. Despite what I write I know that David is an intelligent person. He does himself an injustice by limiting himself to previously stated areas and associations but I admit I am jealous of the single matter that he always knows what he wants. He often lacks the motivation to achieve his goals but if you ask him what his career goal is, he’ll immediately reply that he’d like to be a specialized auto mechanic. His relationship status? Happily single and not looking. Political stance? Screw Bush.
He never changes and this is one of the reasons I will make our friendship endure. Because he is the stability in my relationships and provides nothing more and nothing less than I expect which is exactly what I need when my other personality gets lonely.
Which brings us right around to my other half. Mel.
She is the catalyst to my change. Openly critical of anything she thinks should be criticized she is the single greatest factor in my life to date. If she were to read this she would be very critical of that fact…
I started dating Mel the summer directly following my High School graduation. Coming off of a depressing break up I was not as good to Mel as I should have been. Back then I don’t even think I liked her. She was an actress but her best performances by far were those off-stage. When she was with me she acted the perfect girlfriend. Docile, pretty, almost shy. This is the polar opposite of who Mel is and I unknowingly(at first) forced her to live in denial of herself. Later in the relationship she even told me exactly what she was doing but I ignored her pleas to give her dignity back.
In those six months I cast aside many of the moral concepts I had adhered to up until then. Afterwards, she broke up with me on the mentioned basis that she couldn’t be herself with me but desperate as I was at the time I maintained a distant acquaintance. Eventually I wriggled my way into a closer friendship. It was time for her to repay me for what I did to her. Thoroughly rebuking my advances whenever they showed themselves she unabashedly used me. At this point I had realized the pains I had caused her and through remorse and a lingering attraction I took the abuse in with little complaint and was soon bereft of my own dignity.
We were even.
Two years later our friendship endures. The last year in particular has been the most gratifying relationship in my life. We call each-other whenever the urge presents itself, go to lunch or dinner and see a movie or play. The conversation we give each other is filled to bursting with amusing dialogue and through pure unexplainable coincidence two people who were nothing alike with nothing in common and opposite personalities have managed to become comfortable fitting additions to each other.
But like I said, Mel changes me. For example, she point-blank refuses to allow me to speak during a movie. She even decks me if I do so. It aggravated me to no end not being able to express my derogatory opinion of Ashton Kutcher during utterly mindless dialogue, but not only do I not mind it any more(the silence, not Kutcher), I actually enforce the same rules on David when I see movies with him!
Deeper, she changes distinct parts of my personality. Where before I was reliant upon flattering relationships, I now have no inclination to look for one at all. Where I used to feel continually sorry for myself, I now see in perspective. Because of her I can now FIX MY OWN PROBLEMS! She is also the reason I am drifting away from David. While David rolls his eyes at my arrogance, Mel bolsters it. She criticizes me when I need it, to be sure, but our ego’s are one in the same I think. When one experiences a success over a lesser individual and is shared through our conversations, it is a victory for both.
Am I still romantically attracted to Mel?
…..
I’m unsure, but I don’t think so. Despite my slow evolution into her thought process I still remember the things she did to me and the things I did to her. Time has not closed them. She is more beautiful than she ever has been and her real personality far outstrips the accommodating actress I once demanded, but I think we would hate ourselves.
Dast will forever be a word to me.
